After Almost 20 Years of Infertility,
They Welcomed Their Rainbow Baby
By Toni-Ann Craft | February 11, 2022
Infertility and miscarriage is a battle that can threaten even the strongest of marriages. The emotional toll on the couple and its effects on the relationship is one of the main reasons infertility has been termed a ‘silent disease.’ It can lead to resentment in the relationship, arguments, and even divorce. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. That’s more than 12 million people in America alone.
In “For Better or Worse,” married couples share their stories of love, challenge, and resilience. In this feature, we will see how Ivori and Kevin’s journey to parenthood challenged their marriage. Yet, in their darkest moment, they found hope in each other.
Couple: Kevin Warren & Ivori Lipscomb-Warren
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Wedding date: May 22, 2001
Kevin Warren, Ivori Lipscomb-Warren and their son, Ian (Photographed by Judah Avenue Photography)
Black Love: When did you know that you would face difficulty getting pregnant?
Ivori: Our story started in 2002. I was 25 years old and Kevin was 28. I saw my OBGYN during a regular appointment, and she recommended that we see a fertility specialist since we hadn’t been getting pregnant. At that point, I didn’t think much about it and brushed it off since I wasn’t even 30 years old yet. Ten years later, at age 35, I went to a new OBGYN who recommended that we do exploratory surgery to ensure that my fallopian tubes were open. I did the surgery, still thinking that everything would be fine. But afterwards my OBGYN told me that it was unexplained infertility. It wasn’t a low ovarian reserve or PCOS — it was nothing. After that experience, I told my husband that I wasn’t going back. Even though I was 35, I still felt like I had time. So we waited another five years before we saw another fertility specialist.
Black Love: What triggered you to go back to a fertility specialist after all that time?
Ivori: We got pregnant on our own and lost the baby. It was July of 2017, and we were in Orlando at my husband’s Kappa Alpha Psi Konclave. When we got back home, I took a pregnancy test, and we found out we were pregnant. At first, we were excited, but we found out that we had lost the baby a few weeks later. That’s when I decided that it was time for me to go back to the fertility specialist.
Black Love: Give us some insight into what the fertility journey was like for you and your husband.
Ivori: After going back to the OBGYN I saw five years earlier, I learned that I had a low ovarian reserve and low quality of eggs. Since I was 40 at the time, my doctors didn’t want to give me any treatment. Nevertheless, we did one cycle of IVF (in vitro fertilization). We were going for blood tests and ultrasounds. My doctor didn’t like how it was progressing and turned it into an IUI cycle (intrauterine insemination). Still, I figured that wasn’t going to work since it wasn’t working for us on our own. Following that, we did another IVF mini cycle which was a shorter timeframe with a higher dose of drugs – it didn’t work either. We ended up going in for an egg retrieval surgery. But they actually could not retrieve any – that was in March of 2018. At that point we left, and I started doing research of my own for fertility centers all over the US. That’s when I learned that some fertility centers would stop treating women between 42 – 45. Luckily, I found a center in New York that didn’t have an age limit, but unfortunately, they didn’t take my health insurance. I did more research and later found John Hopkins. I got pregnant and had my second loss in October of 2019. In 2020, at age 43, I had my rainbow baby. We named him Ian, which means gift from God.
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Black Love: Kevin, what were you feeling when Ivori was told that she had low ovarian reserve and low quality of eggs?
Ivori & Kevin’s pregnancy announcement (Photographed by Judah Avenue Photography)
Kevin: Honestly, I didn’t have any emotion. I was married to her, so if we couldn’t have kids, then I knew we wouldn’t since adoption was off the table for her. I figured we would get a puppy, and that would be it. I didn’t want to force anything on her or make her feel less since we couldn’t have kids. I just wanted her to be happy. My main concern was her. I thought she was doing a little too much throughout the fertility process, but as her husband, I knew that I had little say. I was just there to support her.
Ivori: Kevin thought I was doing too much, but I pushed forward because I had a great support system of doctors, my therapists, acupuncturist, and it helped that my insurance covered it 100%. Kevin and my doctors thought I needed a break, but I wanted to keep it going. I didn’t want to waste any time.
Black Love: Kevin, it sounds like you were OK with whatever the decision was whether you had kids or not. Is that true?
Kevin: After the first loss in 2017, I became emotionally detached. Our first loss was a kick in the gut for me. I was so excited; we both were. But then we lost the baby. I remember my wife got upset when she saw a Facebook post that I made on Fathers Day where I was praising my younger brother for being a great father. In the post, I wrote that I accepted my role as a secondary father to my nephew. My brother and I were writing back and forth on Facebook, and since our single mother raised us, my brother said that I was like a father to him growing up. I praised him and said that my nephew was our legacy. My wife took that exchange as me giving up on fatherhood, but it wasn’t.
Ivori: For me, because Kevin is a man of few words, I don’t think he would ever say that he wanted a kid. Before our first pregnancy, we were going through a very rocky time in our marriage. Some marriages end because the husband wants kids, and the wife can’t have them. But for us, it wasn’t any of that. Our first loss was a gut punch for us because we didn’t realize what we wanted until it was gone. We waited so long to be ready to have kids, so it was a shock when we finally got pregnant the first time. The first pregnancy brought us closer together, but the miscarriage brought us even closer to each other.
Black Love: If there was one moment that you could pinpoint as the darkest part of your journey, what was it?
Kevin: The first loss in 2017. I count the 2019 loss as a blessing because we lost before we got a chance to get attached. The 2017 loss was the hardest. I was so attached. I was calling the insurance company to try to get the baby an insurance plan, and they were telling me, “Sir, the baby has to be born first.” I was really attached. It was hard to see my wife go through hell, and I couldn’t do anything but watch. She was experiencing it, and I felt like my hell was to watch it. If I could have gone through it for her, I would have, but I couldn’t.
Ivori: I agree with Kevin. The first loss was the hardest. The second loss was a chemical pregnancy, so I didn’t know I was pregnant until I lost it. I remember people constantly asking me when we were planning to have kids, and that hurt me to hear. I decided to respond to those people with, “when The Lord sees fit.” I didn’t want to end up cursing people out.
Black Love: Going through loss is tough and often requires a strong and supportive community. Who did you lean on during the dark times to help guide and pull you through?
Ivori & Kevin’s maternity shoot (Photographed by Judah Avenue Photography)
Ivori: We knew that many marriages end in divorce after a loss because you don’t know who to lean on. Since we were both raised in the church, we knew to lean on God. We went back to church regularly and joined the marriage ministry. I not only lost our baby, but I also lost friendships during that time. I had expectations from my friends to be as supportive as I would have been to them. I thought my closest friends would have been there to support me through it, but they weren’t. Not to make an excuse for them, but I guess they always saw me as the strong friend, and people don’t usually know how to support the person that’s used to being strong all the time. But I was actually very sensitive. Many things triggered me, like even seeing pregnancy announcements on social media. I had to unfriend and block people to protect my mental well-being.
I even remember a time my mother said, “maybe you just can’t carry,” and it hurt me since she didn’t know how painful it was. But I didn’t share with our family when we went through IVF because they wouldn’t understand. Family-wise, we didn’t have any support; the support system was us. Kevin was there through every doctor’s appointment. Between Kevin and my doctors – that was our support. Our first loss helped us get our marriage together. We weren’t getting along well before that. But we went through all of that to get us to where we are now – with our baby boy Ian. We had to grow to become better parents. In retrospect, I think we’re better parents now in our 40s than we would have been in our 30s. We had to get through the mess in our marriage to figure out what we wanted and work towards it together.
Black Love: What are some specific ways that you supported each other during this time?
Ivori: I supported Kevin by giving him space when he needed it. It took me a minute to figure it out, but he would always go down to the basement to be by himself. I gave him time just to be. But I had to learn that he was also grieving, and I had to give him space.
Kevin: I couldn’t grieve because I was busy watching Ivori. I couldn’t get emotional because I knew it would set my wife off emotionally. As a man, I felt like I had to put up a strong front for my wife. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I had to get my grieving in when I could. After two losses, it was a protection mechanism because I had never felt pain like that before. It was weird and uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what to do. I supported my wife by holding her while she cried at night, listening to her, and letting her take her frustration out on me. I just let her be.
Ivori: At one point, I was so hurt that I told Kevin to go and have a baby with another woman since I couldn’t. But I’m glad he didn’t.
Black Love: At what point would you consider the light at the end of the tunnel?
Ivori: Laying on the operating table and having the doctors tell me that we will meet our son in 5 minutes. While I was pregnant, people always asked me if I was excited, but after dealing with the previous loss, I couldn’t get excited. At first, I was too busy trying to get past seven weeks because we initially lost at seven weeks. I was too busy trying to get past 13 weeks because that’s the second trimester. Then I was too busy trying to get past 23 weeks because that’s the point in pregnancy when it’s considered a viable baby. I was too busy counting weeks instead of getting excited. I cried when the doctors told me that I would meet my son in 5 minutes. That’s when it hit. I felt like my life’s purpose all lined up to that moment. Honestly, I’d go through it all again, all of the pain and everything to have my son in my arms like I do today. He is my light. I was too busy protecting myself during pregnancy to enjoy it.
Ivori & Ian (Photographed by Judah Avenue Photography)
Kevin: It had to be Ian’s birth. The highlight was when the doctors handed him to me for the first time. I had no clue what to do with a baby. I held him so tight that my arm was sore the next day. I just thought to myself, “don’t drop the boy.” I didn’t count down as Ivori did, but I told myself that I wouldn’t get excited until I heard the first cry. It became real when I heard his cry, and I started crying too.
Black Love: What advice do you have for couples facing a similar journey?
Kevin: Trust the process. Communication is key. Men need to follow their woman’s lead. Sometimes to lead, you have to follow. Know your role and play your position. I found my role early and played my position. While she was in her appointments, I would take notes on my phone of everything the doctor was saying because I knew at night sometimes my wife would ask questions as she tried to remember what the doctor said. I could look at my notes and tell her. It made me an integral part of the team. Be present.
Ivori: I remember cringing when Kevin first told me to trust the process. It made me angry when I was going through it, but looking back now, I can agree. Ultimately, you have to trust the process and remain faithful. And give yourself grace. If I had to do it again, I can’t say that I would have slowed down doing the number of cycles that I did. But I would have been easier on myself and given myself grace through all of it. Be present, notice your partner and notice what they may need. Have humor. Humor through those dark times is what kept us going. And always come together, don’t be afraid to talk to a therapist. Be open and receptive to counseling or coaching.
Black Love: Speaking of coaches, Ivori, I hear you’ve started a coaching business to help women going through infertility. Tell us more about it and where we can find you.
Ivori: Yes, I’m an infertility coach and a mom coach — there aren’t many that look like us. I help women to purposefully design a life they love, and I take a one-on-one holistic approach to let them know they’re not by themselves on this journey. You can learn more about my services at www.ivorinicole.com.
