Loving Our Angel

Words + Silence

Not until you’ve lost a child
do you know how it feels to
be sad every single day…
even when you experience joy. 
The holidays is the time of year filled with joy and excitement celebrated with family and friends. However, the holiday season can be very hard for those of us who have experienced a loss. Some of us may want to be surrounded by family and friends, while some of us may just want to be alone in our house as being around others may be a little overwhelming. Why would anyone want to be alone, why is someone depressed during the holidays, or why can’t they just get over it? The answer is quite simple…Someone that they love, someone that they may never realized they wanted until getting that big fat positive pregnancy test, or someone they held is now in heaven. Having angels are a blessing, but nothing takes the place of still being pregnant and anticipating what is to come; or having your baby here to celebrate with.

There is so much that I want to share in this post, but I would be writing for days and I do not want to turn this into a rant. (Like talking about how “friends” have disappeared and it has caused me to reevaluate relationships.) I want this to be an educational post about how being overbearing, your lack of support or even understanding, lack of not knowing what to say, and sometimes saying the wrong thing (that you may not be aware is wrong or can be a trigger) can and does hurt. Also, this post is to share how the silence is very deafening.

According to psychologist, Dr. Jessica Zucker who specializes in women’s reproductive + maternal mental health and my personal experience, here is some advice on what not to say and what to say to a loved one…

What not to say:
I haven’t reached out because you seem fine.
I thought it was better not to bring it up.
What to say:
You can turn to me to vent, weep, reflect.
I am here to listen
Some people prefer privacy, others long for support. Find out what the couple wants. Do not disappear.
Challenge yourself to show up even if it makes you uncomfortable. 
What not to say:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
Things will be different next time.
What to say:
I’m sorry for your loss.
You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
Resist predicting the health of future pregnancies. Say nothing about future babies. This minimizes what has happened, how she’s feeling in this moment, and assumes she will try again.
What not to say:
My miscarriage wasn’t as difficult as yours.
I do not understand as I delivered my children.
What to say:
This is a significant loss.
Take time to grieve.
People start picturing their families at different stages. Resist comparing trauma. Resist giving your success story. Swapping stories might provide support, but it could just as likely create anxiety, envy, or resentment. 
What not to say:
The baby wasn’t healthy. Aren’t you relieved things ended early? It wasn’t really even a baby yet.
Perhaps, you cannot carry a baby.
What to say:
How have you been feeling?

Millions of pregnant women miscarry every year. Despite the fact that miscarriage is common, many women who miscarry feel alone. Often, they are scared of what this loss might mean about their reproductive futures. When a mother gets the “big fat positive” on a pregnancy test, she is carrying her baby! The stages do not matter. This is not the time to debate what constitutes an embryo, a fetus, or a baby. Loss is real no matter the timeframe. 
What not to say:
You can always adopt.
What to say:
After my miscarriage, people focused on fixing my future rather than being present in my pain.
Unless asked, do not give advice on family building options. Let her (and the father) lead the discussion about how she envisions her reproductive future.
What not to say:
It wasn’t meant to be. Everything happens for a reason.
What to say:
Some people try to pinpoint a reason why their miscarriage occurred. You did nothing wrong. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Support her in shying away from searching for things she might believe she’s done to deserve or create this loss. A majority of miscarriages are a result of genetic issues.
What not to say:
You look great!
You don’t even look like you were pregnant.
What to say:
It’s wonderful to see you. How are you feeling?

Commenting on her body, even if you are delivering a compliment, erases her recent pregnancy. Although she might be relived to hear she looks good in the midst of feeling badly, this comment could also incite anger or disappointment that she’s no longer pregnant.
What not to say:
As soon as you get pregnant again, your grief will wane.
What to say:
Time eventually eased my sadness.
Some women grieve, others don’t. We shouldn’t assume miscarriage affects people in the same way or for the same amount of time. There is no benefit to rushing heartache.

It is my hope that you found this post to be helpful. I ask that that as we enter the holiday season, please be gentle with those of us who have experienced a loss, understand that we may not reach out, but need (and expect) you to do so, remember that it is not about you and you may need to be uncomfortable for the sake of your loved one, and please think before you speak!

 

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