Okay, I’m really going to start posting on Mommy Monday…soon! But right now the way my anxiety is set-up, I can only commit to posting once a week from either me or another Mommy sharing her journey.
My planning company executed a beautiful wedding in Jamaica this past Saturday. On the way there, I chose the window seat on the plane as I always loved looking at the clouds. This time was different. You see, my good friend anxiety struck again! As the tears fell, I imagined Bean playing in the clouds with other angel babies. I prayed that God continues to keep hubby and I through this journey of indescribable hurt. I prayed that God sends us a sign that Bean is okay, although we know that our angel baby is in the best hands! And, I prayed that Bean knows that Mommy and Daddy’s love is unconditional.
After the festivities were over, hubby and I decided to take a few days just for us. These days have been long overdue as I have been trying to runaway since August 21st. The days made us face and feel our emptiness. Not that we do not feel it on a daily basis, but it was just us with no distractions – no work, no studying, no students, no clients…just us. On one of the days, I happened to look into hubby’s eyes and knew that something wasn’t right. After a few, “nothing is wrong” and a few, “I am okay,” hubby shared that he kept thinking about how far long I would be now and if my baby bump would be showing. Never think for once that daddy’s do not feel hurt. I seem to think that hubby is having a harder time coping than me, but of course he will never admit it. He hides his emotions to protect himself and me by always laughing. His honesty broke me even more than I already am. Not being able to mend his broken heart and seeing tears in his eyes makes me feel helpless.
As I love flowers and as Bean is the key to my heart, I worked with the local florist to have a wreath designed so that hubby and I could pray over it, share our thoughts (including tears), and send it out to sea. Originally, I wanted to do a photoshoot, but honestly, it was not about having my make-up done or having high-res images. It was just about hubby, Bean and I. Just our little family. I had scheduled the wreath to arrive on Sunday and in my heart, I was hoping that the florist would forgot to bring it. As we returned to our room from a little fun in the sun, I received a call that the wreath had arrived. It was delivered and I placed it on the table. It was so beautiful and all I could do was stare at it. Hubby noticed it and pretended that he did not see it. When I finally sat down on the bed and pretended to watch television, all of a sudden, I yelled out, “why did I do that?” as I pointed to the wreath. Hubby grabbed me and said, “because it was a good idea, at the time.” When he grabs me tight, I know that he is crying too. Lord, what had I done? I knew where my heart was and I thought that I was ready. However, I do not know if I will ever be ready. For goodness sake, I loss my baby. No matter what stage, it was our baby. A baby that was loved. A baby that was wanted.
Monday morning came and we walked down to the beautiful water. I asked hubby to say a prayer, I said a few words, we shared a smile, and off into the the beautiful caribbean sea, the wreath went. I wanted to stay there all day and just watch it disappear, but while letting the wreath go brought me a sense of peace, I know that I was not ready for that. Not to mention that by that time, hubby needed a drink!
A peace of our heart was left in Jamaica…Bean, Mommy and Daddy LOVE YOU more than life itself!
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