Anxiety.

Anxiety, as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary is the, “apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill.”

Anxiety. The apprehensive uneasiness to write and post blogs on what I have coined, “Mommy Monday’s.” (Now this will be posted on “Weeping Wednesday”…sorry, trying to laugh through the pain). Why am I apprehensive when Loving Our Angel is to journal my journey to healing? The answer is quite simple…I have to face my reality. My reality of no longer being pregnant. My reality of no longer anticipating Baby Warren (affectionately known as Bean) in April 2018. My reality of feeling empty. My reality of feeling alone. My reality of unconsciously rubbing my stomach as if Bean were still there. My reality of just praying that Bean is okay, that he or she is playing with other Angel Babies, and being loved on by family. My reality no matter the stage of gestation is that Bean existed and is no longer here with Mommy + Daddy.

Anxiety. An emotional roller coaster of one minute you are “okay”, all while knowing that you will never be “ok” again. An emotional roller coaster of just the wind blowing and the never-ending tears begin to fall.

Anxiety. Knowing that you will never be the same again. Not knowing who you are anymore. Knowing that you are childless mother.

Anxiety. Not being able to go into the room that was to be the nursery. Not being able to go into my office as I have to walk past the room that was to be the nursery.

Anxiety. Not wanting to leave my fur babies home because I feel like I am abandoning and not protecting them. Feeling like I am not being a good mother. Feeling like I am worthless because I could not protect Bean.

Anxiety. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting hubby to leave me alone. Not wanting to be in public at large events because you feel like all eyes are on you. You feel like people will think that you are less than a woman. Not wanting people to talk to you and ask, “are you okay?” Having the feeling of wanting to scream, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I have experienced mini anxiety attacks since losing Bean, but the one that I experienced last Friday was the most painful. I felt like I could not breathe. The tears would not stop. I let out the loudest scream ever. I needed hubby to just hold me, but he was not there. Hubby’s beloved fraternity has an annual ball that he started 9 years ago. I am a girly girl and love to dress up and have my make-up done. I typically make sure that I have the perfect dress, heels, accessories, hair styled, and make-up flawless for the event. However, that did not happen this year. This year, I was dreading the event. I tried my best to even talk hubby out of attending. You see, I was supposed to be pregnant and making an appearance in the most beautiful gown to accentuate my baby bump. Of course, that was not the case. I had absolutely no drive to shop. I did not care about what I wore (I joked with my sister that I was going to wear a black towel with flip flops). I did not care about having my make-up done. Hubby actually told me to stay home or go to the movies, but I could not do that. I could not miss his annual event. I did mention that I am a girly girl, right? I do not repeat formal gowns…ever! Well, this time it was different. I stood in front of my closet, selected a dress and did not care how I looked. I did my make-up, put on my MAC Ruby-Woo lipstick and was ready to go, all while just wanting to lay across the bed in my pjs and watch A Different World. As I was driving, I began to feel ill. Like really nauseas. I took forever to park. Once I got out the car, I wrapped my shawl around me and took what felt like the longest walk ever! I was greeted at the door by hubby and my brothers, his frat brothers. Everyone was happy that I came out, but I was dying on the inside. I just wanted to run. I wanted to be seated at the table in the back with my headphones on listening to gospel or even trap music. I just wanted to leave!

Just as I was dying on the inside, so was hubby. I knew that his smiles were fake, but everyone else did not have a clue. He stayed “busy” for most of the evening just so he could avoid people asking if he was okay. No, dammit, he was not okay!

Last Friday was the longest night ever! And the days after have been hell! Hubby and I spent the weekend in the house. I spent the days sleeping, while hubby was “busy” tinkering around the house, which he never does. I like to say that he was in “Mary Poppins mode.” I spend every day not knowing if I am coming or going. I spend every day trapped in a nightmare…a barless jail. I am mentally and physically drained.

Angel Moms, I share my story to not only remind myself that I am not okay and that is okay, but to remind you, too! Please remember to be easy on yourself. Please remember that we will never be okay again. Please remember that all we can do is take life…

One second
One minute
One hour
One day at a time!