Unfortunately, I have suffered many losses. It hurts, I grieve and slowly, I move on. Well, it wasn’t that easy when my brother passed 19 years ago, but you get my point. It is just a part of life that we know will happen one day, but never prepared for. However, when you desire a baby, told that you need to get your diabetes under control, see a fertility specialist to conceive, actually conceive on your own, and then blatantly told, “YOU HARE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE”, the pain you experience knowing that you are losing your child is one that you cannot even begin to explain.
At this time in my life, I feel like I had been punched in the throat. I feel worthless. I feel empty. I HAD 1 DAMN JOB…one damn job as a mother, to protect my child and I could not do that. What kind of mother am I? What kind of wife am I? My hubby was so excited that he called the insurance company to add the baby to our policy and he/she was not even born yet. Why would he want to be with me? I cry, I scream, I yell, I sleep and the cycle repeats.
Hubby and I are true introverts and with this devastating experience, we have socially isolated ourselves, but have heavily relied on each for support. He often retreats to the basement and I breakdown so bad that I cannot get out of the car when coming back home from trying to escape the house. We told close friends, eventually. Some friends came around and made us come out and stop watching the awful acting on Lifetime, and some pulled so far away that the silence is deafening. It is one thing to “give us space”, but if your friends truly know you, they know that is not what you need. Check on them, but don’t expect a response, make them laugh, just be there!
I attempted to complete homework, but that was an epic fail. Hubby has been trying to study for a certification, but that was an epic fail, too. We cannot concentrate. I literally read the reading assignments almost ten times and still did not know what I read. I was trying anything that I could to “run” from the pain because I was not strong enough to face it. I even told myself that I should be done with grieving. However, every single time I attempt to flee, God sits me down and makes me face the pain head on. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS UNBEARABLE PAIN! No parent should feel the pain of losing a child. I even started questioning God and wanted to know why He would do this. Why would He give me and baby, a baby that I longed for and then take him/her? Had I sinned so bad in my life that He decided to play a cruel joke on me?
Hubby and I had NEVER prayed so much in our lives as when the miscarriage began, throughout the process, and even now. I went from listening to trap music to listening to gospel music. One day while driving and listening to the gospel station on Pandora, it was like God began to speak with me through song. One of the songs that I found myself repeating was “Step Aside” by Yolanda Adams.
“Be still and don’t question it
These obstacles they were allowed
He wants to take you higher and higher
If you will hold on God is willing and more than able
This did not catch Him by surprise
So just trust him And just step aside…”
The Ivori that once was will never be again. I am now trying to figure out who the new me is through this process. What I do know is that I/we must TRUST and have FAITH in God. I am still not sure why I continue to be tested, but I SURRENDER! I GIVE UP and realize that I must face this unbearable pain head on. He did not bring hubby and I this far to turn His back on us, nor did He promise that everything would come easy.
LORD, I AM SITTING IN THIS PAIN AND KNOW THAT YOU HAVE ME, BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH!
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