When a woman becomes pregnant, the stages of growth does not matter. All mommy’s think about is that we have a baby inside us. Since confirming the BIG FAT POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST, hubby and I had been having a great time thinking about the baby’s future, planning the nursery (absolutely love Pottery Barn Kids), selecting the stroller, car seat, high chair, and even planning how we would announce the pregnancy to our family and close friends.
On August 7th, I called the doctors to schedule my first appointment and ultrasound for September 5th. How exciting! As the days passed, I was counting down to the ultrasound so that we could hear our baby’s heartbeat. We even enjoyed a Baltimore Ravens pre-season game and joking that I could not drink. Every woman’s pregnancy journey is different, including spotting. As soon it began for me, I started to panic and took to the internet to do some researching. Spotting is normal during pregnancy, however, bleeding and what appears to be clotting is not. For a few days, I was just spotting and while still nervous, I just figured there was no need to panic (while on the inside I was having mini panic attacks).
The hubby had a fraternity conference in Richmond, VA and while he says that he wanted me to come along to keep him company during the ride and just hang out, I knew that he was essentially babysitting me. One the ride down, I started cramping terribly and the only thing that I could do was cry. Again, my fingers explored the internet with what could be happening. I was not about to think about the “M” word, so I told myself that the cramping was just due to sitting so long.
Saturday came and as a girl who loves to shop, of course I had to visit Short Pump, especially as they have a Pottery Barn Kids. Yes, we were early in the pregnancy, but had so much fun that we had selected all of the nursey furniture and started our registry. Don’t laugh or shake your head at us, LOL. We were just excited first time parents! Excited first time parents that was planning out our child’s future – the school they would attend, sports they would play, all of the things that parents want for their children.
As we returned home to prepare for the work week, I was faced with major concern and worries. Why was I worrying as everything has been fine? Well, because I was not okay. The spotting had turned into heavy bleeding and what appeared to be clots on August 21st. I literally yelled, “no, No, NO! I cannot lose my baby!” This could not be happening. I was NOT having a miscarriage. I could NOT lose the baby and hurt my hubby. God would not play this cruel joke on me. NO, NO, NO!
As it was the first day of the semester and I could not as a good Professor cancel class, I found the strength to teach. On the way, I called my doctor, but he was not available. Hubby was by my side and sat in the back of the classroom waiting for the doctor to return my frantic call. Class was over and there was no return call, so to the ER we went! Arriving at the hospital, I was a ball of emotions and very quick tempered. Finally, I was in a room and an ultrasound was done. According to the ultrasound, I was 4 weeks, but I know for a fact that I was 7. Also, blood work showed my hormone level was low. The ER doctor tried to sugar coat it and tell me that it was too early to tell anything. However, a mother knows. A woman knows her body. I tried my best to stay optimistic like hubby, but I knew that my nightmare was true. I visited my doctor the next day and here he comes, sugar coating things too and saying that we need to wait it out.
On Wednesday, August 31st, my OB/GYN called and confirmed that I in fact was miscarrying. Actually, the exact words were, “you are having a miscarriage.” That’s all. No, I’m sorry that you are facing this. No, I am sorry for your loss. NOT A DAMN THING! I still recall that conversation like it was yesterday.
For 30+ days, I bleed and clotted and I will never be the same.
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